Hey you. Yes, you. You tourist standing there. I'm talking to you.

Put that phone down for a minute and take those sunglasses off and listen up. I've got something to say, and you need to hear it.

Who am I? I live here. In Montana. And you're one of them tourists.

Maybe now you know what I'm getting at?

Usually, we're happy to see you tourist types. You show up soon after Memorial Day and mostly disappear after Labor Day, and in between those holidays you admire our way of life and you leave your money here. Sometimes you fly in over the winter to ski, but you don't fool us, since we can tell who you are from your tan.

You see, we're from Montana. We live here. And you don't. And right now, the fact that you're a tourist is a big problem between the two of us.

We sacrifice a lot to live in Montana. We can't eat the scenery, and all the grizzly bears and buffalo don't contribute to our 401K. But if we only cared about money and had the gumption to put up with traffic and crowds and pollution, we'd live where you live.

But we don't. So we're a bit protective of what we've got and how we live. And right now, we're feeling a bit sensitive about all you tourists flocking in.

Here in Montana, we subscribe to The Cowboy Code. What's that? Gene Autry's Cowboy Code. He said "the Cowboy must never shoot first, hit a smaller man, or take unfair advantage. He must help people in distress. He must keep himself clean in thought, speech, action, and personal habits." And there's more to it.

But here we are. We put up with you tourists. But during these present times, we ain't liking it very much.

What's wrong, you say? That's exactly what I'm talking about. You're not using your head.

OK, I'll make it clear: it's called Covid. Covid-19. Coronavirus. Just maybe you've heard of it?

You heard of it? Well, lucky you.

What I'm getting at is now's not the time to be a tourist in Montana. Get my drift?

You see, we've always hated you tourists just a little. You've always got a little attitude, like you're better than us. You come to Montana and act like we're a bunch of critters in a zoo to watch and laugh at.

You drive too slow in your big campers, pulling boats or even pulling an extra car as if you ain't got enough of them. You try and pet the buffalos and get all excited when you see a bear. You buy a pair of them stupid plastic bull balls to hang on your trailer hitch. You buy cowboy shirts no real cowboy would be seen in.

Sometimes you tip well. Most of the time, you find something to complain about. You leave your trash around. Ride your damn mountain bikes where you ain't supposed to. Don't release the native trout you hooked.

We really try to abide by The Cowboy Code. But sometimes theres a time when The Cowboy Code gets in the way of common sense. And that time is right now. This year, tourists, it's time for us to be honest.

Go home. We don't like you here right now.

Well, now, don't act so surprised and hurt.

We don't like you here because you're spreading your viruses.

Just looking at you tells me you ain't too smart. You don't want to show common respect by wearing a mask, or be decent by washing your hands. And not bunch up like cows in a chute on a trail or in a restaurant. You're crowding our stores so we don't even feel safe buying our own groceries, and we're drinking at home instead of at our local watering hole.

Yes, we need the tourist money. But it ain't worth us dying over it. We're losing our old cowboys, our Native American elders. Seniors in rest homes are scared and holed up like prisoners. Even our little kids are getting sick.

The scientists still don't know how bad it will get. It's common sense to listen to the science and be careful. But so many of you can't be bothered.

And don't get me started on all those rich assholes who buy a 2nd or 3rd house around Bozeman or Missoula or Whitefish and have been flying in since winter to try and save their own skin. You brought Covid here. I'd like to run you types out of the state, but this ain't the old days, and getting a posse together ain't legal anymore.

So you tourists, go home.

Load up that RV and hitch up the boat and the SUV and the ATV trailer and all that crap and start driving. South, west or east, we don't care; just put the border of Montana in your rearview mirror. But my advice is to not head north. Canada is smarter than us and they already barred the door.

You need to go home, stay home, learn some respect for others and take care of your own. That's the Cowboy Way.

We might see you next year. But we'll have to wait and see.

I've said my piece. You tourists. Go home.